Ending the year and then some

November 23rd, 2016


I am realizing now how close Christmas and the end of the year are. Today my boyfriend and I are heading down to Iowa to make all of the pies for tomorrow's Thanksgiving meal (2 apple, 3 pumpkin, 3 pecan).

So the end is near, and winter is upon us. This is typically the most depressing time of year for those of us who are already struggling, but in the past few years, winter hasn't hit me as hard as it seems to be this year.
I am feeling very shut in, very left out, and just wanting to be anywhere else in this world. The biggest issue I have is that I am completely capable of leaving at any time I desire, but I'm too afraid of judgment. I'm too afraid to lose the people I have where I am. I'm afraid that as much as I want to leave, as soon as I get where I am going, I will be just as discontented as I am now, and feel like I always have been.

There is one place I am sure I would be welcomed, but there is only one person I am sure would welcome me. I want to go, I want to leave and not even leave a note saying where I am going. I know I have the ability to go, I know that the freedoms are mine, and I know I am responsible enough to never have to call back for help. Yet still, I fear so much, and lack the courage to look at this part of my life and tell it to get f***ed.

I have recently gotten into a closer friendship with an old acquaintance, and that has been both helpful and hurtful to my situation. I really appreciate the people I have in my life, and this new friendship has definitely let me open up a side of me that even I haven't seen in years. On the other hand, even though nothing I do is a secret to my household, I still feel as if I am doing something wrong by spending time with someone who makes me feel like I really do have someone who is there and cares.
PS: This friend has been more help than hurt by far!
It feels like actions and words don't matter. I can be anything and everything, but then one person disagrees with what I do or say, and all of the sudden my life and desires are known by everyone around me, and I am shut out completely. I have to have openness to be open, and I thought I had that, but I can feel myself closing in again, and it makes me want to run.

"If you leave, they win." Someone told me as I tried explaining my situation. I just nodded and pretended that I believed it. Yes maybe someone else won because I quit. But there is no point in winning when that is no longer the goal. A game is a game, if you don't enjoy it, don't play. I definitely am not enjoying this "game," and I know I'll be a quitter soon enough.