So this morning I woke up remembering that I posted something here last night. I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was simply shitty writing, and not a whole lot of life-spilling.
The thing that most concerned me was seeing the title "Drunk and honest..."
I actually remembered to use the correct pronouns, and to not say any names. So- As much as I probably shouldn't have posted it, I am okay with what it turned out to be, so it can stay.
Aside from that:
Today I am supposed to be going back to Iowa to help my dad and sister pack up some old books, and various things in the house that might still belong to me. (Oh yea- I forgot to mention, my dad is selling his house and trying to move up to South Dakota where everyone seems to be right now.)
I knew I shouldn't have said anything about being bored with a long weekend yesterday because it is now Saturday, and tomorrow will be the last day to hang about and do nothing. I have actually rather enjoyed being allowed to sleep in as much as I have. I didn't even bat an eye until about 8:30AM today, and I am usually up by 4:30, at least for a few hours before my morning nap! ;)
On a totally random note:
I fell asleep listening to people's original music last night, and it was really making me want to write a new song. I do remember typing out tiny snippets of ideas on my phone, so hopefully that will get me somewhere this morning. I am still thinking about going out this morning for breakfast or something, but I would really want to take my guitar and have a nice hot cup of hazelnut coffee. I really don't have anywhere that I could do that though, so I will sit here and finish my blog, have some normal dark roast coffee, and play my guitar either really quietly or upstairs. I was also thinking about painting, but I'm not sure where I put my canvas.
Feelings for now:
-Impatient
-A little tired
-Hopeful
-Childlike
And always-- Feeling like a dirty hippy! :)
Saturday, November 26, 2016
Friday, November 25, 2016
Drunk and Honest.. also pretty lame and confusing :)
Today was relatively uneventful. Went to breakfast at a local diner(around 1:30PM), and got some "breakfast."
I decided once I got home(4:45PM) that I really didn't need to go anywhere or do anything. My fish tank is clean, the dishes are done, and the laundry is washing, so I am drinking tonight, and I want to be warm, but this dining room is freezing!!!
Yesterday's thanksgiving meal went pretty well, but we planned on like 20-30 people, and only 10-13 ended up coming... We have a lot of leftovers! LOL!
I have this real deal in my head that I have all of these big plans for life, and I've really been wanting to talk to my best friend Mae for a long time, but I rarely have alone time to call her, and I am trying to make friends, so I leave the house to hang out when I can with people whose company I enjoy. But I think I will have to call her as soon as I am alone because I have very few people in my life that I trust to give me advice, and to really care about what's going on in my life. I need a tiny bit more rum...
I was thinking for a moment there that I might not post this. I know it will be extremely random and difficult to read once I am sober, but I really want to type right now. I want to feel like there is something to say, and somewhere to say it. Even if there is no one to say it to. I know it can be really annoying to other people, but something inside me wants to talk with other humans. I even enjoy just listening!!! I need more human interaction. I love people!!!
Aside from that-- it is only Friday, which I know will make the weekend seem too short by tomorrow, but I am really looking forward to being out by myself for a bit. I think I might even get up early and go to breakfast alone I think. I just need to find a place that's open by 7 or 8... totally doable.
I just wish I had someone to go with. I know my sister would go, but she went back to Iowa with my dad and grandparents. There's just something about that place. The winter out here is awful, but summer is beautiful, and the people become your family. There are just some things that grow in people, and make them the wonderful beings that they are. I can't explain it, or maybe I wouldn't be so perplexed by these things, but I am in love with a people and place that is so similarly different from what I now call home.
Your truly,
~Tivid
I decided once I got home(4:45PM) that I really didn't need to go anywhere or do anything. My fish tank is clean, the dishes are done, and the laundry is washing, so I am drinking tonight, and I want to be warm, but this dining room is freezing!!!
Yesterday's thanksgiving meal went pretty well, but we planned on like 20-30 people, and only 10-13 ended up coming... We have a lot of leftovers! LOL!
I have this real deal in my head that I have all of these big plans for life, and I've really been wanting to talk to my best friend Mae for a long time, but I rarely have alone time to call her, and I am trying to make friends, so I leave the house to hang out when I can with people whose company I enjoy. But I think I will have to call her as soon as I am alone because I have very few people in my life that I trust to give me advice, and to really care about what's going on in my life. I need a tiny bit more rum...
I was thinking for a moment there that I might not post this. I know it will be extremely random and difficult to read once I am sober, but I really want to type right now. I want to feel like there is something to say, and somewhere to say it. Even if there is no one to say it to. I know it can be really annoying to other people, but something inside me wants to talk with other humans. I even enjoy just listening!!! I need more human interaction. I love people!!!
Aside from that-- it is only Friday, which I know will make the weekend seem too short by tomorrow, but I am really looking forward to being out by myself for a bit. I think I might even get up early and go to breakfast alone I think. I just need to find a place that's open by 7 or 8... totally doable.
I just wish I had someone to go with. I know my sister would go, but she went back to Iowa with my dad and grandparents. There's just something about that place. The winter out here is awful, but summer is beautiful, and the people become your family. There are just some things that grow in people, and make them the wonderful beings that they are. I can't explain it, or maybe I wouldn't be so perplexed by these things, but I am in love with a people and place that is so similarly different from what I now call home.
Your truly,
~Tivid
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Ending the year and then some
November 23rd, 2016
I am realizing now how close Christmas and the end of the year are. Today my boyfriend and I are heading down to Iowa to make all of the pies for tomorrow's Thanksgiving meal (2 apple, 3 pumpkin, 3 pecan).
So the end is near, and winter is upon us. This is typically the most depressing time of year for those of us who are already struggling, but in the past few years, winter hasn't hit me as hard as it seems to be this year.
I am feeling very shut in, very left out, and just wanting to be anywhere else in this world. The biggest issue I have is that I am completely capable of leaving at any time I desire, but I'm too afraid of judgment. I'm too afraid to lose the people I have where I am. I'm afraid that as much as I want to leave, as soon as I get where I am going, I will be just as discontented as I am now, and feel like I always have been.
There is one place I am sure I would be welcomed, but there is only one person I am sure would welcome me. I want to go, I want to leave and not even leave a note saying where I am going. I know I have the ability to go, I know that the freedoms are mine, and I know I am responsible enough to never have to call back for help. Yet still, I fear so much, and lack the courage to look at this part of my life and tell it to get f***ed.
I have recently gotten into a closer friendship with an old acquaintance, and that has been both helpful and hurtful to my situation. I really appreciate the people I have in my life, and this new friendship has definitely let me open up a side of me that even I haven't seen in years. On the other hand, even though nothing I do is a secret to my household, I still feel as if I am doing something wrong by spending time with someone who makes me feel like I really do have someone who is there and cares.
PS: This friend has been more help than hurt by far!
It feels like actions and words don't matter. I can be anything and everything, but then one person disagrees with what I do or say, and all of the sudden my life and desires are known by everyone around me, and I am shut out completely. I have to have openness to be open, and I thought I had that, but I can feel myself closing in again, and it makes me want to run.
"If you leave, they win." Someone told me as I tried explaining my situation. I just nodded and pretended that I believed it. Yes maybe someone else won because I quit. But there is no point in winning when that is no longer the goal. A game is a game, if you don't enjoy it, don't play. I definitely am not enjoying this "game," and I know I'll be a quitter soon enough.
I am realizing now how close Christmas and the end of the year are. Today my boyfriend and I are heading down to Iowa to make all of the pies for tomorrow's Thanksgiving meal (2 apple, 3 pumpkin, 3 pecan).
So the end is near, and winter is upon us. This is typically the most depressing time of year for those of us who are already struggling, but in the past few years, winter hasn't hit me as hard as it seems to be this year.
I am feeling very shut in, very left out, and just wanting to be anywhere else in this world. The biggest issue I have is that I am completely capable of leaving at any time I desire, but I'm too afraid of judgment. I'm too afraid to lose the people I have where I am. I'm afraid that as much as I want to leave, as soon as I get where I am going, I will be just as discontented as I am now, and feel like I always have been.
There is one place I am sure I would be welcomed, but there is only one person I am sure would welcome me. I want to go, I want to leave and not even leave a note saying where I am going. I know I have the ability to go, I know that the freedoms are mine, and I know I am responsible enough to never have to call back for help. Yet still, I fear so much, and lack the courage to look at this part of my life and tell it to get f***ed.
I have recently gotten into a closer friendship with an old acquaintance, and that has been both helpful and hurtful to my situation. I really appreciate the people I have in my life, and this new friendship has definitely let me open up a side of me that even I haven't seen in years. On the other hand, even though nothing I do is a secret to my household, I still feel as if I am doing something wrong by spending time with someone who makes me feel like I really do have someone who is there and cares.
PS: This friend has been more help than hurt by far!
It feels like actions and words don't matter. I can be anything and everything, but then one person disagrees with what I do or say, and all of the sudden my life and desires are known by everyone around me, and I am shut out completely. I have to have openness to be open, and I thought I had that, but I can feel myself closing in again, and it makes me want to run.
"If you leave, they win." Someone told me as I tried explaining my situation. I just nodded and pretended that I believed it. Yes maybe someone else won because I quit. But there is no point in winning when that is no longer the goal. A game is a game, if you don't enjoy it, don't play. I definitely am not enjoying this "game," and I know I'll be a quitter soon enough.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
New! (Undetailed) 11-20-2016
So I went through and read the two posts I made 7 YEARS ago, and a lot has changed since then.
1.) I went to college, two colleges actually, and have paused my education to find out what I want to do
2.) I still stand up for the little guys, and won't tolerate intolerance
3.) My mom actually did not beat the cancer that was found.
Details:
it was gull bladder cancer. took up the whole organ except the working part. had spread to other vital organs, and was stage 4 of 4 when found. She was diagnosed in Nov 2009, and passed away Aug. 2010. Still the best mom I've known, but she was mine, so that opinion is unchangeable!! :)
4.) I started a job at a gas station at age 18
Once I began college I worked for the same company in a different location, a restaurant, and a bridal company my first year in college. (3Jobs almost killed me, but I have very little in loans to pay back!)
Once we moved, I continued with the gas station at yet another location, but this time got promoted to Assistant Manager. (This turned out to be more hours a week, and even shittier sleep than having three jobs and being a full-time student.
5.) While in college my first year, started dating one of my close friends, we moved in together second semester and have moved to South Dakota together
6.) I have had this cat (Nomine, pronounced Nom-ih-nay), and since we have moved to South Dakota, I have kept her inside so she does not get lost, or hit by a car, or something terrible! But since she was used to being an inside/outside cat, she doesn't get as much exercise as she used to and has gained a significant amount of weight.... I realized this when I picked up someone else's normal-sized cat, and felt that she was about what a cat SHOULD weigh in at. I think my cat is about 12-15 pounds, but after lifting that other cat, I'm gonna do some cat-heath related research... maybe put her on a diet plan....
But that's all for now. I hope to save up for my own computer soon, and keep blogging. I'd love to share in more detail, but for now I was just wasting time while the boyfriend did his homework like a good college student!!! :)
ttfn!
-Tivid
1.) I went to college, two colleges actually, and have paused my education to find out what I want to do
2.) I still stand up for the little guys, and won't tolerate intolerance
3.) My mom actually did not beat the cancer that was found.
Details:
it was gull bladder cancer. took up the whole organ except the working part. had spread to other vital organs, and was stage 4 of 4 when found. She was diagnosed in Nov 2009, and passed away Aug. 2010. Still the best mom I've known, but she was mine, so that opinion is unchangeable!! :)
4.) I started a job at a gas station at age 18
Once I began college I worked for the same company in a different location, a restaurant, and a bridal company my first year in college. (3Jobs almost killed me, but I have very little in loans to pay back!)
Once we moved, I continued with the gas station at yet another location, but this time got promoted to Assistant Manager. (This turned out to be more hours a week, and even shittier sleep than having three jobs and being a full-time student.
5.) While in college my first year, started dating one of my close friends, we moved in together second semester and have moved to South Dakota together
6.) I have had this cat (Nomine, pronounced Nom-ih-nay), and since we have moved to South Dakota, I have kept her inside so she does not get lost, or hit by a car, or something terrible! But since she was used to being an inside/outside cat, she doesn't get as much exercise as she used to and has gained a significant amount of weight.... I realized this when I picked up someone else's normal-sized cat, and felt that she was about what a cat SHOULD weigh in at. I think my cat is about 12-15 pounds, but after lifting that other cat, I'm gonna do some cat-heath related research... maybe put her on a diet plan....
But that's all for now. I hope to save up for my own computer soon, and keep blogging. I'd love to share in more detail, but for now I was just wasting time while the boyfriend did his homework like a good college student!!! :)
ttfn!
-Tivid
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