2022- and hey, it's still here!

It's fuckin 2022.. I have changed so much, but it's interesting to my how little I've changed too. Weird, really.

I had some really rough experiences in my early adult years.(I guess my early 20s. Adulthood is still in it's baby stages for me, I think.)

 I will have to tell some stories in great detail, and others I won't be able to say much at all. Depression set in really hard, and I've been battling that with much effort, and some success for the last 3 years or so. In March I did a 3-week intensive outpatient thing through Avera Behavioral Health. That really kicked some things into gear. I got in touch with a Therapist Brennan Thompson! 

He has helped me so much! I am setting real boundaries, and actually standing up for myself. I will not be manipulated anymore. I am allowed to be who I want, and no one has to like it. I don't owe anyone for the things I have worked hard for. 

I am getting stronger, and feeling more like myself. I am learning to speak more positively to myself, and learning how to love myself so I can actually have and share joy, not just try to spread it and inflict it. It's not as genuine as it used to be for me. I was really happy at some points, but I have gotten sickeningly good at faking it. Most people genuinely believe I'm a happy golucky person, which as my true self I am, but it breaks my heart how long I let myself pretend everything was ok. 

I had no boundaries, I had no sense of self. I barely felt human most days. I have experienced the inability to get up to shower or brush you hair and teeth.. I have had 3 molars, and all 4 wisdom teeth removed. I let a part of myself decay literally and metaphorically. 

I stopped caring about myself in the littlest ways. And it's so hard. So hard to get out of bed, and make yourself love you, but you have to do it. Months ago, I wouldn't believe you if you told me I was going to be genuinely joyful this year. I have been so afraid to take chances, I forgot that they can lead to beautiful opportunities!  

I will be home in PA with my sister in less than a month. My house will sell, and I will take my dog Groot(3) and my two kitties, Nomine (11) and Phylo(5). I need to find a home for my two chickens. 

My Savannah monitor passed away a few weeks ago (Vicodin, we think he was 9-10) such a good boy. Broke my heart. His cage is still in the back yard. 

The parakeet (Ash,?) Has a new home with one of my Ex's friends from work. (Ryan, and I don't remember what the friend's name is) Her brother and sister both apssed away while I was depressed and cared so little I forgot to feed them. I'm not sure how Ash survived. I cried for days, and I mean, wept. . I felt like such a piece of shit person for allowing my weakness to take life away. 

If you are struggling, please find someone. Reach out to any medical center, help-line, etc. and they can help you find resources! 

I will be myself, and I will be ok with who I am!

((And listen to "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen" Baz someone. YouTube knows what you mean, and the cover picture almost looks like a Lion King scene))

A new day, another "plan"

So this morning I woke up remembering that I posted something here last night. I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was simply shitty writing, and not a whole lot of life-spilling.
The thing that most concerned me was seeing the title "Drunk and honest..."
I actually remembered to use the correct pronouns, and to not say  any names. So- As much as I probably shouldn't have posted it, I am okay with what it turned out to be, so it can stay.

Aside from that:

Today I am supposed to be going back to Iowa to help my dad and sister pack up some old books, and various things in the house that might still belong to me. (Oh yea- I forgot to mention, my dad is selling his house and trying to move up to South Dakota where everyone seems to be right now.)

I knew I shouldn't have said anything about being bored with a long weekend yesterday because it is now Saturday, and tomorrow will be the last day to hang about and do nothing. I have actually rather enjoyed being allowed to sleep in as much as I have. I didn't even bat an eye until about 8:30AM today, and I am usually up by 4:30, at least for a few hours before my morning nap! ;)

On a totally random note:
I fell asleep listening to people's original music last night, and it was really making me want to write a new song. I do remember typing out tiny snippets of ideas on my phone, so hopefully that will get me somewhere this morning. I am still thinking about going out this morning for breakfast or something, but I would really want to take my guitar and have a nice hot cup of hazelnut coffee. I really don't have anywhere that I could do that though, so I will sit here and finish my blog, have some normal dark roast coffee, and play my guitar either really quietly or upstairs. I was also thinking about painting, but I'm not sure where I put my canvas.

Feelings for now:
-Impatient
-A little tired
-Hopeful
-Childlike
And always-- Feeling like a dirty hippy! :)

Drunk and Honest.. also pretty lame and confusing :)

Today was relatively uneventful. Went to breakfast at a local diner(around 1:30PM), and got some "breakfast."

I decided once I got home(4:45PM) that I really didn't need to go anywhere or do anything. My fish tank is clean, the dishes are done, and the laundry is washing, so I am drinking tonight, and I want to be warm, but this dining room is freezing!!!

Yesterday's thanksgiving meal went pretty well, but we planned on like 20-30 people, and only 10-13 ended up coming... We have a lot of leftovers! LOL!


I have this real deal in my head that I have all of these big plans for life, and I've really been wanting to talk to my best friend Mae for a long time, but I rarely have alone time to call her, and I am trying to make friends, so I leave the house to hang out when I can with people whose company I enjoy. But I think I will have to call her as soon as I am alone because I have very few people in my life that I trust to give me advice, and to really care about what's going on in my life. I need a tiny bit more rum...


I was thinking for a moment there that I might not post this. I know it will be extremely random and difficult to read once I am sober, but I really want to type right now. I want to feel like there is something to say, and somewhere to say it. Even if there is no one to say it to. I know it can be really annoying to other people, but something inside me wants to talk with other humans. I even enjoy just listening!!! I need more human interaction. I love people!!!


Aside from that-- it is only Friday, which I know will make the weekend seem too short by tomorrow, but I am really looking forward to being out by myself for a bit. I think I might even get up early and go to breakfast alone I think. I just need to find a place that's open by 7 or 8... totally doable.

I just wish I had someone to go with. I know my sister would go, but she went back to Iowa with my dad and grandparents. There's just something about that place. The winter out here is awful, but summer is beautiful, and the people become your family. There are just some things that grow in people, and make them the wonderful beings that they are. I can't explain it, or maybe I wouldn't be so perplexed by these things, but I am in love with a people and place that is so similarly different from what I now call home.

Your truly,
~Tivid

Ending the year and then some

November 23rd, 2016


I am realizing now how close Christmas and the end of the year are. Today my boyfriend and I are heading down to Iowa to make all of the pies for tomorrow's Thanksgiving meal (2 apple, 3 pumpkin, 3 pecan).

So the end is near, and winter is upon us. This is typically the most depressing time of year for those of us who are already struggling, but in the past few years, winter hasn't hit me as hard as it seems to be this year.
I am feeling very shut in, very left out, and just wanting to be anywhere else in this world. The biggest issue I have is that I am completely capable of leaving at any time I desire, but I'm too afraid of judgment. I'm too afraid to lose the people I have where I am. I'm afraid that as much as I want to leave, as soon as I get where I am going, I will be just as discontented as I am now, and feel like I always have been.

There is one place I am sure I would be welcomed, but there is only one person I am sure would welcome me. I want to go, I want to leave and not even leave a note saying where I am going. I know I have the ability to go, I know that the freedoms are mine, and I know I am responsible enough to never have to call back for help. Yet still, I fear so much, and lack the courage to look at this part of my life and tell it to get f***ed.

I have recently gotten into a closer friendship with an old acquaintance, and that has been both helpful and hurtful to my situation. I really appreciate the people I have in my life, and this new friendship has definitely let me open up a side of me that even I haven't seen in years. On the other hand, even though nothing I do is a secret to my household, I still feel as if I am doing something wrong by spending time with someone who makes me feel like I really do have someone who is there and cares.
PS: This friend has been more help than hurt by far!
It feels like actions and words don't matter. I can be anything and everything, but then one person disagrees with what I do or say, and all of the sudden my life and desires are known by everyone around me, and I am shut out completely. I have to have openness to be open, and I thought I had that, but I can feel myself closing in again, and it makes me want to run.

"If you leave, they win." Someone told me as I tried explaining my situation. I just nodded and pretended that I believed it. Yes maybe someone else won because I quit. But there is no point in winning when that is no longer the goal. A game is a game, if you don't enjoy it, don't play. I definitely am not enjoying this "game," and I know I'll be a quitter soon enough.

New! (Undetailed) 11-20-2016

So I went through and read the two posts I made 7 YEARS ago, and a lot has changed since then.

1.) I went to college, two colleges actually, and have paused my education to find out what I want to do

2.) I still stand up for the little guys, and won't tolerate intolerance

3.) My mom actually did not beat the cancer that was found.

                                      Details:

it was gull bladder cancer. took up the whole organ except the working part. had spread to other vital organs, and was stage 4 of 4 when found. She was diagnosed in Nov 2009, and passed away Aug. 2010. Still the best mom I've known, but she was mine, so that opinion is unchangeable!! :)

4.) I started a job at a gas station at age 18
Once I began college I worked for the same company in a different location, a restaurant, and a bridal company my first year in college. (3Jobs almost killed me, but I have very little in loans to pay back!)

Once we moved, I continued with the gas station at yet another location, but this time got promoted to Assistant Manager. (This turned out to be more hours a week, and even shittier sleep than having three jobs and being a full-time student.

5.) While in college my first year, started dating one of my close friends, we moved in together second semester and have moved to South Dakota together

6.) I have had this cat (Nomine, pronounced Nom-ih-nay), and since we have moved to South Dakota, I have kept her inside so she does not get lost, or hit by a car, or something terrible! But since she was used to being an inside/outside cat, she doesn't get as much exercise as she used to and has gained a significant amount of weight.... I realized this when I picked up someone else's normal-sized cat, and felt that she was about what a cat SHOULD weigh in at. I think my cat is about 12-15 pounds, but after lifting that other cat, I'm gonna do some cat-heath related research... maybe put her on a diet plan....


But that's all for now. I hope to save up for my own computer soon, and keep blogging. I'd love to share in more detail, but for now I was just wasting time while the boyfriend did his homework like a good college student!!! :)

ttfn!
-Tivid

Prayers Needed!

Alright, I know that not very many people read my posts, but for anybody that does, I would like you to pray for my mother. She had to have surgery to have her ovaries removed. The doctor said that if there was anything else infected that they would have to remove it too. They took many blood test and other things like it and found nothing. But then once they got a good [inside] look at her gull-bladder and it's supposed to be about 5 by 2 inches... my moms was about the size of a robin egg and the scans they did of it looked fine, because it was the size it was supposed to be but the rest of it was cancer. My dad has been talking to us over the phone for that past week they've been gone and they didn't tell us much of anything except that they got rid of what was in her gull-bladder... then when I got home from school today my dad had me and my sister sit down by my moms bed and told us that it's likely that the cancer could take her life... non of us want this for Mom, but the only one who can keep my mom alive for how long she would be without cancer is God. Thank you so much! -Tivid

What Counts the Most.

Today I was on my way home from school on the bus and there were some 6th graders picking on a 7th grader... now, I've had my past with this kid and he's not the nicest to me ... well the little girl that was picking on him was giving me a headache worse than i already had and it was bothering me that they were picking on him.. he was crying and i knwe that there was more going on than them bothering him ... I didn't say anything... to him... but i couldn't let them do that any more!!! I mean, yea, I don't like him either but i wouldn't keep pestering him if he were crying... in fact i wouldn't do that at all! well I finaly stood up and told the little boy that was listening to sit down and then I gave the girl heck about it and reminded her that the bible says do unto others as you would have them do unto you. She finaly ran out of stupid comebacks and left him alone... I'm half tempted to go to the kids house (the one that was being picked on) and ask if he's alright, but knowing our past he'd probably just get mad and slam the door in my face.. but I know i did the right thing defending him and that's what counts the most! -Tivid