I had some really rough experiences in my early adult years.(I guess my early 20s. Adulthood is still in it's baby stages for me, I think.)
I will have to tell some stories in great detail, and others I won't be able to say much at all. Depression set in really hard, and I've been battling that with much effort, and some success for the last 3 years or so. In March I did a 3-week intensive outpatient thing through Avera Behavioral Health. That really kicked some things into gear. I got in touch with a Therapist Brennan Thompson!
He has helped me so much! I am setting real boundaries, and actually standing up for myself. I will not be manipulated anymore. I am allowed to be who I want, and no one has to like it. I don't owe anyone for the things I have worked hard for.
I am getting stronger, and feeling more like myself. I am learning to speak more positively to myself, and learning how to love myself so I can actually have and share joy, not just try to spread it and inflict it. It's not as genuine as it used to be for me. I was really happy at some points, but I have gotten sickeningly good at faking it. Most people genuinely believe I'm a happy golucky person, which as my true self I am, but it breaks my heart how long I let myself pretend everything was ok.
I had no boundaries, I had no sense of self. I barely felt human most days. I have experienced the inability to get up to shower or brush you hair and teeth.. I have had 3 molars, and all 4 wisdom teeth removed. I let a part of myself decay literally and metaphorically.
I stopped caring about myself in the littlest ways. And it's so hard. So hard to get out of bed, and make yourself love you, but you have to do it. Months ago, I wouldn't believe you if you told me I was going to be genuinely joyful this year. I have been so afraid to take chances, I forgot that they can lead to beautiful opportunities!
I will be home in PA with my sister in less than a month. My house will sell, and I will take my dog Groot(3) and my two kitties, Nomine (11) and Phylo(5). I need to find a home for my two chickens.
My Savannah monitor passed away a few weeks ago (Vicodin, we think he was 9-10) such a good boy. Broke my heart. His cage is still in the back yard.
The parakeet (Ash,?) Has a new home with one of my Ex's friends from work. (Ryan, and I don't remember what the friend's name is) Her brother and sister both apssed away while I was depressed and cared so little I forgot to feed them. I'm not sure how Ash survived. I cried for days, and I mean, wept. . I felt like such a piece of shit person for allowing my weakness to take life away.
If you are struggling, please find someone. Reach out to any medical center, help-line, etc. and they can help you find resources!
I will be myself, and I will be ok with who I am!
((And listen to "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen" Baz someone. YouTube knows what you mean, and the cover picture almost looks like a Lion King scene))
